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After 1001 sleepless nights...
Best Friend: I'm losing my cool with my baby..I even..er...call him names...
Me: So what's the worst thing you've called him?
Friend: (very hesitantly) Idiot
Me: I've called mine Stupid Girl several times.
Me (turning honest): ...and once or twice have even called her 'Shaniyan!"
Friend: (giggling and getting bolder): ..And I've swatted his bottom when he won't sleep...
Me: (not to be outdone) Me too!
Me (guilt setting in) In fact I swatted her bottom one night and the next morning she had a diaper rash...you think it's because of me?
Friend (giggling in whispers coz of sleeping tyke): Can we have one baby conversation without you feeling guilty?

The Wedding Crashers

I still haven't got over it. No not the fact that Ash and Abhishek got married but the fact that a news channel ran the SAME story with ABSOLUTELY no NEWS the ENTIRE DAY! I kid you not people.

So let's start at the beginning. Since the news channel ...oh to hell with it...it was Headlines Today...since they hadn't been invited to the wedding they got two of their reporters dressed in wedding finery and stationed them at the studio. And they proceeded to talk and talk and talk about the most inane stuff I have ever heard in my life. Which I will get to in a bit.

So there's a camera stationed outside Amitab's house 'Jalsa'. And the "whole world" was waiting with bated breath for Abishek to clamber on his horse and ride out in all glory to his other house 'Prateeksha'. And our anchors back in studio chatter about nothing for 2 hours before Abhishek finally comes out. Like:

Male anchor: So do you think Abhi will come out in 5, 10, 15 or 20 mins?
Female Anchor (giggling to eat up air time): Oh we could bet on that!
MA: Cricket's not the only thing we can place bets huh?
HA HA HA HA - that's them laughing not me. I was busy rearranging my features after the 'what the....' look.

And it goes on. When a sliver of Abhishek is seen through the side window of the huge bus parked in front of the house, the two anchors are in raptures.

MA: "Oh there he is! The moment we have all been waiting for"

Er...it is?

FA (with a theatirical sigh): "If only I could go whisper in his ear 'Jhalak dhikla ja'"

Sure why don't you do just that? Oh yes of course...coz you're a journalist and NOT A CRAZED fan whispering demented songs in his ear.

It was pathetic. The camera could only show you glimpses of people arriving, half of whom the reporters failed to recognise. Only the really famous ones like Jaya Pradha (???) were excitedly commented upon.

FA: "Oh there's Jaya Bachchan! I'm so glad we could see her!"

Er...why exactly?

And then we had the MA give us some juicy news.

MA: "We have just recieved information from our on-the-scene reporter that Ash is going to be riding on two dolis! "

Breaking news!

MA: "Yes! And the first one she will get into at Prateeksha and then get off at Prateeksha itself!"

We never heard whether Ash would ride the second doli into her bathroom or it was meant for higher purposes.

FA: "For interesting updates like that keep watching!"

Groan.

Of course the channel devoted the whole morning to interviewing (or rather yelling incoherent questions at) this crazy (and very unattractive) woman who claimed she was married to Abhishek. She was obviously after the publicity and any half-brained twit could see that. She kept repeating the same things and the reporters kept asking silly questions.

OK now let me get to the point of the whole post (yes there is a point) ...what on EARTH are news channels thinking when they air stuff like this throughout the day? The occasional 'other' news that they deemed important enough ran by on ticker tape. Why point a camera at a gate the whole day, waiting for a Bollywood star to come out only to get into a bus? Do they really think that that's what people want to watch ALL day?

This is not an isolated event. Other news channels too run atrocious stories based on flimsy facts and uninteresting news. And everything is backed by 'experts' - psychologists, professionals and god knows who else - who sit there and declare things like "Jhanwi is deluded. Perhaps she really believes that Abhishek married her!"

HELLO?

Mostly what irks me is that the audience is assumed to be foolish, ignorant, hungry for celebrity gossip, excited by the channel's idea of sensational news and dying for gruesome news. And please don't even think we can't see through the 'Since we don't have enough information let's put some experts on a panel, play reruns of the same visuals and ask the same old questions to our harried reporters on the scene'.

We KNOW.

Talk the talk

In conversation with my two year old:

(Setting: I'm trying to make him close his eyes and sleep)

Banggggg! (Sound of vessel falling in the kitchen)

Vidur: Yenna saththam?

Me: Yedho saththam

Vidur (insistent): YENNA saththam?

Me: Yedho paathram

Vidur: Yendhe paathram?

Me: Paal pathram

Vidur: Yenge?

Me: Kitchen le

Vidur: Yaaru kitchen le?

Me: Namba kitchen le

Vidur: Yaaru pota?

Me: Paati pota

Vidur: Yendha paati?

Me: Sowmya paati

Vidur: Yenge pota?

Me: Kitchen le

Vidur: Yaaru kitchen le?

Me: THOOOONGU VIDUR!

Why do all kids love questions so much?

Super Blooper

Seen on a signboard near my place:

Vinoth Women Placement Services
Housemaids, Cooks, Baby Sisters...

Wham! Bam!

Couldn't have found a more perfect girl even in Bharat Matrimony. Blonde, svelte, WILLING.
Smokey was one lucky dog. Or so we thought.

Her name was Shirley. And after five long years we finally found a mate for our beloved Smokey-the-leg-humper. We rejoiced. We sang. We danced.

So the day arrived. 4 pm and Smokey is well rested after his meal. The Virgin Bride arrived with her owner and the dog handler - that's the guy who encourages the dogs to er...go at it...in case they miss the point.

Smokey jumps a mile high when he sees Shirley. Pre-performance jitters we thought.
He runs wildly in the other direction. Playing hard to get perhaps.

And then he spends the next hour and a half performing his duty. He's going at it with great enthusiasm. You'd think we'd have been ecstatic. Not even close.

He was doing the dog handler's leg.

Very very happily. "This is what I really dig" he seemed to be saying. He was working up quite a passion let me tell you. For a while there things got really steamy. One-sided of course. Can't have the dog handler responding in similar fashion so Smokey can confirm the delusion that he's human.

The poor guy tries very hard to turn Smokey's amorous attentions on Shirley. 'You don't really expect me to do it with a dog, do you? Smokey asks incredulously.

So while poor rejected Shirley sits there wondering 'Am I too fat? Does my breath not smell bad enough?' Smokey's a very satisfied dog.

'Phew! That was good!' he finally declares. 'Thanks mom! You're the best!' I get a thank you lick and he collapses in exhaustion.

A shame-faced me and the disgusted owner of Shirley part ways. ('He didn't want my lovely baby??')

The dog handler looks defeated. 'I'll let you know if there's any other female madam. Maybe he didn't like this one.' Or maybe he just likes your limb better.

My friend's theory is that Shirley is Anglo-Indian. 'Rukmini nnu nalla Brahmana dogaa pudichi kudu. Aprum paaru!' he advised.

Is my dog a racist?

Overdrive

A strange conversation I recently had with my driver

Driver: I’m looking for a nice girl for my son.

Me: Oh, so anything working out?

Driver: No. The last girl we saw we didn’t like.

Me: Why not?

Driver: Oru sotha pal (decayed tooth) irindhidhu

Me: ????? Oru sotha pal? It’s not a genetic disease you know – you can fix that!

Driver: It looked bad. And it was a front tooth!

That explained it. Even a turnip growing out of her head is better than a front tooth that’s decayed.

Driver (oblivious to my indignation): Besides she had a problem with her feet.

Me: Why, was she limping?

Driver: No, but my Mrs. (as he calls his wife) saw that her feet weren’t arched. They were flat!

Horror of horrors! God forbid flat feet from crossing his threshold!

Me (spluttering): Soooo?

Driver: Adhu seri varaadhu ma!

Conversation shifts to dowry.

Me: Sigh! So tell me do you take dowry?

Driver: We don’t call it dowry

Me: Then what do you call it?

Driver: Suit money

Me: What???

Driver: Yeah. We ask for money to stitch a suit

Me: How much can you possibly ask for a suit??

Driver (airily): Oh, up to 40-50000.

Me: (Speechless)

I was amazed there are such people around who knock off a girl from the list because her nails are not pink enough or her elbows too rounded. Pity the poor girl (with arched feet and all 32 pearly whites intact) who enters that household with her father's lifetime earnings.

Daddy Musings

PAH!

My dad’s favourite expression. I swear you’ve got to hear it to fully appreciate the oodles of scorn, derision, disgust and cynicism he puts into that one harmless-sounding syllable.

My brother: Dad, I think I suffer from claustrophobia
Dad: Pah!

Me: Dad, er…hmm…I think I’m a failure
Dad: Pah!

Mom: You know, if you ate more slowly, you wouldn’t suffer from heartburn
Dad: Pah!

Incredible, the range of reactions that one word can imply.

Dad’s the world’s worst customer.

Dad (to computer service guy): Madan, you can come home between 3 pm and 6 pm.
Madan: But sir, konjam kashtam…how about 7 o’clock?
Dad: Yennakku vera velai ille? (The vera velai being having dinner in 15 seconds flat and tumbling into bed by 8.30)
And so it goes on for the next 5 days wherein Madan can’t come between 3 and 6 and Dad sends back anyone who comes at 6.01. The day Madan promises to come after 3 pm, dad and mom are absconding.
Dad: “Well, he said after 3.”
Me: “But dad he did come at 5.30!”
Dad: After 3 sollitu, 5.30 kku vanda yenna artham??”
Me: Sigh. (Discreet phone call to Madan: “Madan, PLEASE PLEASE come at 3.15 PLEASE I BEG YOU”)

Oh and don’t miss his conversations with Credit Card saleswomen who call 10 times a day.
Hapless girl: Sir, we’re calling from Citibank and we’d like to offer you a personal loan…
Dad: Ok, I’ll take it
Astounded girl: Really? Er... I mean …
Dad (cutting in): On the condition that I don’t have to pay it back
(Or some equally sad remark)

Or if it’s a particularly bad day
Dad: STOP CALLING ME. STOP BOTHERING ME. YOU KEEP YOUR LOANS!
And BANG!

And of course there’s the (in)famous conversation my husband had with Dad for the first time.

Dad: So, where are you working?
Nervous Hubby: (Three word answer)
Dad (riding on the tail end of hubby’s answer): See, I want to tell you something about my daughter. She’s spoilt.
Me: Daaaaddd!
More Nervous Hubby: Er…really…sir…I don’t think
Dad: (shaking head dismissively) You don’t know anything. In spite of our best efforts she’s spoilt!
Me (thought blurb): Does he want me die an old maid?
And the rest of the conversation went thus:
Dad: Bla bla bla bla bla
Flustered Hubby: But…
Dad: No No no no …bla bla bla
Terribly Confused Hubby: I think….
Dad: What think? Nonsense…bla bla bla
Mute Hubby: (respectful silence)
Sympathetic Mom: Why don’t you let him talk?
Dad: PAH!

The funny thing is we love him for all this. Sometimes in spite of it. Especially the PAH! We love that and find innumerable ways to elicit a good, satisfying Pah.